Well, where to start?

I guess I would like to start by saying that I have always been a transparent and open person about my life. I like to share stories with others, even with strangers. We all have things that we can relate to one another on. 

This is my personal PP journey, and though it may look like others’, it will also be vastly different at the same time. I find comfort in knowledge and the understanding that there are many different outcomes, so I don’t expect a cookie-cutter trajectory. I’m now 4.5 months PP, and on the one hand, it seems like time has passed in the blink of an eye, and on the other, it’s like Groundhog Day and time is standing still. 

Looking back at our daughters’ birth, it already seems quite some time ago, but that was just over 6 months ago. It was December 5^th at about 7 pm when I started noticing contractions while we were out eating dinner, and then after dinner, we stopped by Whole Foods, and that’s when I REALLY noticed that they were about 1 minute apart and lasting for about 45 seconds. My husband, Robin, was timing them on an app, and it told us to get our bags packed and start heading to the hospital, so we rushed home to do just that, and then my water started breaking. We then drove to the hospital and checked in at about 9:30 pm, and she was born at about 9:30 am the next day. I would like to say my labor was a good experience, and I guess it wasn’t horrible because we both were safe and healthy. 

Now, this is where life for us changed in ways beyond what we expected. 

We weren’t naive about having a baby; we knew and were prepared for it to be hard and life-changing in many ways, BUT this journey we were about to be on and are still currently on was different.  From day 4 after birth, Rya became extremely colicky/ fussy. We thought something was very wrong. Seeing someone that you care about, more than anything in the world, scream for more than half of the hours in a day, and for no understandable reason, is gut-wrenching! Add that on top of the PP hormones, well, it wasn’t ideal or pleasant in any way. You have to have a TRUE colicky baby to really understand this. Most babies have witching hours, but this was all day and night for many long hours. We tried EVERYTHING to help her. 

While all this was going on, finding time to do PT for myself was challenging. We were still coaching and working every day, but I finally started lightly climbing again around 7 weeks PP. I remember at about 5 weeks PP I tried to do some pull-ups in my basement, and I maxed out at 3, and my 3^rd one was probably not even a real one! Even though I had gone from climbing the day before giving birth at 162lbs and then 5 weeks PP being 130lbs, I felt like I was 180lbs! 

It would be a lie if I said it didn’t worry me about my return to climbing and getting my strength back. I also remember the first week climbing again, one day I got on the kilter board at 30 degrees and put on some V3’s, and I couldn’t do them! I think I managed to do 2 of them, and it felt as hard as when I would do V10s or harder on the board. I had learned to give in to the recovery process and take it one day at a time. 

With Rya being fussy, juggling our coaching business, and trying to get back into shape, we were in full survival mode for quite a while. But there are things that I have learned and am still learning throughout this period in our lives. 

• I knew I had always been a more anxious person in general and had been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder years ago. I have seen therapists and am an advocate for therapy and self-help. I didn’t realize how much PPA (postpartum anxiety) was affecting me and my thoughts during this time. I have absolutely nothing against medications for anxiety, and I have been on them for a little while in the past, but I’m just someone who likes to try and avoid medications if possible. I realized after a while that I wasn’t OKAY and that I didn’t have the capacity or tools mentally to do it unassisted right now. I’m currently on a medication to help me cope right now while we are still going through this rough time with Rya. 

• It’s a TEAM effort! Remembering that Robin and I are a team and that we are not alone. It’s easy to get lost during this tough time and to feel alone, but realizing that leaning on each other and giving one another some time for themselves is crucial. We need to be each other’s rock and keep reminding each other that this time shall pass, and Rya will get better. She is not going to be in discomfort every day forever. 

• PATIENCE! When it came to training and climbing again, I needed to be patient and come back slowly. Some parts of the body heal quicker than others, and not everyone has the same healing time. We heal differently, and we must listen to our own bodies. I couldn’t even really walk for the first 3 weeks, and I know friends who started lightly climbing at 4-5 weeks PP. It’s not a race, and we need to respect what our amazing bodies just did! I’m still doing pelvic floor PT every week, as my issue is that I’m too tight, and therefore my adductors and pubic symphysis ache and hurt. They are getting better, and sometimes I still push it too hard, and they are sore, and sometimes I forget or don’t have time to do my at-home PT, and therefore I’m not getting better as quickly, but it’s all okay, and we need to be kind to ourselves! Since I still have the Relaxin hormone in my body, and that is also playing a role, I still feel significantly weaker in my shoulders as well as my hips. Again, another factor that I have to respect…. and the lack of sleep. 

• Our journey with Rya is still ongoing, and we are still trying to figure out what is going on with her. We have gotten some blood work done and have seen a GI Specialist a couple of times, who discovered her gut is irritated and could be the cause or one of the causes of her ongoing “colic”. She also has a lot of silent reflux, and they have put her on some meds to see if it helps. For 3 months, I was dairy, soy, gluten, and egg free while breastfeeding with no change to Rya. When she still wasn’t improving, she suggested further eliminating all nuts, corn, shellfish, and other things. I did for 2 weeks, and still no change. We are now on an Amino Acid-based formula, which breaks down all the proteins in the food so that it is easier to digest, to see if that helps. We have been doing this for about 2 weeks, and we have started to see minor improvements, but we will keep the course and hopefully things will look up soon! I have never been a Reddit user, but through this hard time, it’s been a big help to hear others talk about similar situations they have gone through, and while some say a certain formula or medication worked wonders, others have said it was just time, and they tried everything. It’s reassuring and nice to know you are not alone!

• Climbing is ME time! It’s interesting how my relationship with climbing has changed over the years and has gone through different phases. For the past few years, my burning desire to train hard has kind of dwindled a bit. I think I was so ultra-focused inward for so long that I was a bit burnt out from training. I have always had goals and still do, but I think my mind needed a change. Having a baby has changed that a lot! When I go to the gym now, I have newfound psych and appreciation for ME-TIME. It’s interesting that when you have less time, it becomes way more precious, and therefore, the ways you decide to spend that time are very important. I remember when I was a kid going to practice on Tuesday, Wednesday, and climbing with my uncle on the weekends was the outlet for me to just forget about all my worries, anxieties, and stressors I may be having. Climbing was my freedom time, and I couldn’t wait to go again. This, in a way, is similar to that. 

With all this said, we are still here figuring it all out, but that is life! Worries will come and go, and new ones will take their place. You will have achievements and then look for the next great thing. You will go through patches of hard times and then have times of pure joy. I have always said, “How would we know what something wonderful feels like if we don’t have lows to compare it to?” It all tests us as individuals, and things of great value never come easily. If we constantly worry and hold ourselves back because of fear or uncertainty, how will we ever achieve what we really want? Some people are amazing at not worrying about all the negative possibilities or outcomes, but I have never naturally been one of those people. I have to work on my mental approach a lot and create strategies to help myself move forward sometimes. It’s okay to be scared or afraid, but it’s powerful to work through the things that scare us.